Insomnia

First, I want to thank everyone who has commented on my posts. It means a great deal to me to be welcomed here. And your kind words about my writing made me blush.

Outside my window I hear crows and watch them hop from branch to branch, notice my neighbor has painted all his wire plant baskets sky blue and stuffed them with red geraniums. A part of me nudges to take a walk, but I stay put cradling my tea cup in the palms of my hands. I haven't been sleeping more than three hours a night and I'm starting to feel edgy- like all the days of this week have been jammed into one long never ending day. I suppose it's stress and disappointment. The move to the Eco Village has fallen through and I'm feeling the implications of being diagnosed with Menier's Disease. I can't drive and there is always the potential for a vertigo attack to manifest unannounced. It's like having Epilepsy except there is no medication to control it. The only thing I can take is after the fact to control the inevitable nausea. Most of the time I am ok (except for the persistent ringing in my ears), but I have to be sharply conscious of my surroundings in case I fall. I don't like to dwell on it and the vertigo episodes are getting farther and farther apart. According to my doctor, there is a possibility the Menier's could disappear as quickly as it came. When I am feeling extra confident, I ride the bus to some of my favorite places or I would go loony cooped up in this apartment. Added to that, my daughter is having some of her own struggles and all I can do is accept the situation and love her. And of course, I could go into my litany of how I feel like such a misfit living in Orange County - I just don't fit the ultra conservative profile. But so much for lamenting. It's good to get it out, even have a good cry if I need to. But lingering there too long is like batting my eye lashes at depression and giving it a "come hither" look-- and it just makes for a lousy date.

I wanted to participate in Poetry Thursday this week, but lack of sleep and writing are apparently incompatible in my world. I have been reading poetry in the wee hours and came across one of my favorite Pablo Neruda poems - I think it is my credo for now.

If each day falls
inside each night,
there is a well where
clarity is imprisoned.
We need to sit on the rim
of the well of darkness
and fish for fallen light
with patience.

The Sun Magazine came today. I always feel a flush of pleasure when I realize it's in the mail box. It's just a luscious read (and photos) from cover to cover without a single ad. I think I will settle into a warm bath and read.